Silly Jokes

Some true stuff - all of them supposed to be true

While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

Here are some reportedly true newspaper headlines.

• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
• Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
• War dims hope for peace
• If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
• Kids make nutritious snacks
• Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
• Red tape holds up bridge
• Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
• Eye drops off shelf
• Kids make nutritious snacks
• Enfields couple slain; Police suspect homicide
• Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
• Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
• Man is fatally slain
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Legislator wants tougher death penalty
• New study of obesity looks for larger test group

Quotes and Quips

Tommy Cooper

Some of his best....

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I wanna skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

She got her good looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon.

Millitary intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Room Service? Send up a larger room.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.

Funny quotes

If you don't like the weather in new England, just wait a few minutes. (Mark Twain)
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. (Homer Simpson)
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel. (Homer Simpson)
Suppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of Congress....But I repeat myself. (Mark Twain)
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe (Jackie Mason)
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. (Rodney Dangerfield)
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. (Spike Milligan)
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. (David Letterman)
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. (George Globol)
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. (Woody Allen)
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. (George Carlin)

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Stupid Answers

Weakest Link

Here are some apparently true questions and answers...

• Question: How many wheels does a unicycle have?
  Answer: Two
• Question: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
  Answer: Jool carriageway
• Question: Which letter of the alphabet sounds exactly the same as the term for a female sheep?
  Answer: Baa
• Question: In slang, which three-letter word precedes "shop" to make a rhyming term for a police station?
  Answer: Nick
• Question: The term 'Rubenesque' derives from which 17th Century artist?
  Answer: Aretha Franklin
• Question: In medicine, the phrase "contagious disease" literally means an illness that is spread by which of the five senses?
  Answer: Sight.

Family Fortunes

Same idea. All the questions are based around asking 100 people to name...

• Question: A body part beginning with the letter N
  Answer: Knee
• Question: Something people open, besides a door
  Answer: Bowels
• Question: A game you can play in the bath
  Answer: Scuba Diving
• Question: A game played in the dark
  Answer: Charades
• Question: Something you'd find in an operating room
  Answer: Operator
• Question: The most lovable breed of dog
  Answer: Kitten
• Question: Real or fictional, a famous Willie
  Answer: Willie the Pooh
• Question: A Scandinavian country
  Answer: Australia
• Question: A food that comes smoked
  Answer: Tobacco
• Question: Something that dries up as it gets old
  Answer: Water
• Question: A type of foreign money
  Answer: Monopoly
• Question: A famous royal
  Answer: Mail

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Insurance Claims

Some of the classic claims made by people after accidents:

• I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
• In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
• Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
• I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
• I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
• I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
• I saw a sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car
• The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him
• I collided with a stationary truck going the other way
• The car in front knocked over a pedestrian, but he got up, so I ran him over again

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Exam Answers

Some more true classics. This time, some real answers in exam questions.

• H₂O is hot water, and CO₂ is cold water
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
• When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
• A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
• Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
• Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
• When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
• The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
• A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
• Question: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
  Answer: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
• Question: What is a turbine?
  Answer: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head.
• Question: What is a terminal illness?
  Answer: When you are sick at the airport.
• Question: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"?
  Answer: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
• Question: Name the four seasons.
  Answer: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• Question: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
  Answer: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
• Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
• Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died of this.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

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Aircraft Logs

Here wo go some more supposedly true funnies. This time, we have some entries made in aircraft maintenance loga along with the replies given by the ground crews.

• Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
  Answer: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
• Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
  Answer: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
• Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
  Answer: Something tightened in cockpit.
• Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
  Answer: Live bugs on backorder.
• Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
  Answer: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
• Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
  Answer: Evidence removed.
• Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
  Answer: DME volume set to more believable level.
• Problem: IFF inoperative.
  Answer: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
• Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
  Answer: Suspect you're right.
• Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
  Answer: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
• Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
  Answer: Cat installed.

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