Word Jokes

Punctuation

An English Professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing"
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing"

Tongue Twister

Mr. Inside went over to see Mr. Outside. Mr. Inside stood outside and called to Mr. Outside inside. Mr. Outside answered Mr. Inside from inside and Told Mr. Inside to come inside. Mr. Inside said "NO", and told Mr. Outside to come outside. Mr. Outside and Mr. Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr. Outside coaxed Mr. Inside to come inside, then both Mr. Outside and Mr. Inside went outside to the riverside.

Two prawns

Adam and Christian were two atlantic prawns. They had been friends all their lives, and went everywhere together. One day, Adam brushed up against a bottle on the seabed, and out popped a genie, complete with breathing gear (as you might expect). He offered Adam three wishes.
"I can't think of much," said Adam, "can I have one wish now and come back later for the others?". The Genie agreed, so Adam said "Well, I've always wanted to be a great white shark."
Sploosh, Adam turns into a great white shark.
"Come back when you think what you want with the other wishes" the genie calls out as he squeezes back in to the bottle.
Adam thought this was great, but soon noticed that all his friends were giving him a bit of a wide berth. So he went to see his lifelong friend Christian, but he got the door slammed in his face. "Shove off, you're a great white shark, and I don't feel safe with you".
Adam was very upset, and after wandering around the seabed alone for a while, he returned to the genie. He explained that all his friends were shunning him, and he did not want to be a shark any more. The genie points out that legally, he is under no obligation to reverse a wish just because it no longer suited, and Adam agreed to use his second wish. The genie reverses the process.
Sploosh!! Adam is no longer a shark.
Pleased as punch he goes to see his lifelong friend, and as he approaches the little prawny house, he calls out "Hello, its me, Adam, can we be friends again?"
"Why should I be friends with you, you were a shark not long ago", said his old pal.
"That's OK, you can trust me, I'm a prawn again, Christian"

One-liners

• When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Cotton

A debt collector knocked on the door of a person in who owed money in rural America.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he grumbled, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself.
But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

Beethoven

A man was walking past a graveyard and he heard what sounded like Beethoven's Ninth Symphony playing backwards. He thought to himself "That's weird" and kept walking.
The next day the same man walked past the same cemetery and heard what sounded like Beethoven's Eighth Symphony playing backwards. He thought to himself, "Now that's REALLY weird!" and kept going.
The next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetery and heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards. The man said "I can't take this any more!"
He walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!"
The caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."